What you have written is so insightful, Mouse. You're really looking deeply inside yourself and learning so much. That's such a positive thing. Maybe you'll find that the mother you need is YOU. Maybe you can be that soft, nurturing person for yourself. The best thing about being that person for yourself is that you will always be there.

I am lucky enough to have one of those "soft mothers" you wrote about. I am scared whenever I think about losing her someday, but I feel that she and my father have given me the strength and confidence and love for myself to be nurturing and kind to myself.

Your children are so lucky to have you. You have spent so much time thinking about what it means to be a mother. They will benefit from that... from having a mother who understands how important a mother's role is in a child's life. I wish you had had a mother like YOU, but since you didn't, I hope you can be kind and loving and soft to yourself. Your nurturing, intelligent, thoughtful soul comes across in your posts.