I just woke up as he came creeping in the door. He instantly looks disgusted when he sees me. We got in a fight over stupid stuff a few days ago and he just didn't come home according to him. He is a truck driver and I never know where he is.

He says that I am never considerate of his feelings. He always dumps it all on me like that. I think he hates himself and he takes it out on everyone else.

I think I've stayed for different reasons. I've never had a home to live in, my parents got us kicked out time after time when I was a child, He convinced me that he was the only person who had ever taken care of me.

And like I said before, I am mean myself. I have been very cruel to him and I think I feel it's partly my fault. The only way I can get past that is when I think about how this all started. He was a jealous, controlling, abusive man from the very start. He isolated me from everyone and took our car to work everyday. We didn't even have a phone. If I wanted the car, it was a huge fight because he didn't want to deal with me and 2 kids getting ready to go. So, he would be so rude and grouchy, (hostile is a better word) we'd just stay home.

You know what's weird? When we were younger, I was usually able to reason with him and he would atleast see my side of things. But, over the years, he has taken my verbal skills and used them against me to convince me that I am just as terrible as he is.

After the attempted suicide, I was out of my mind. My exhusband came around and tried to intervene. (but he has his issues too) He wanted me to leave with him. This infuriated my husband and he now tells me I am also a slut who cheated on him. My ex hadn't been around for years because my husband couldn't deal with me having an ex around.

You see, my husband also has many other issues. He was diagnosed as Bipolar, but he refuses it completely. When he attempted suicide, he was on antidepressants and blames me for making him see a doctor in the first place. He had been violent and publicly embarassing and was acting out sexually. It didn't matter that he had almost pushed it that far before. It was the medication according to him.

We are just so different. He is a racist, sexist, bully.