Hi, I am new here and I dont even know if I am posting in the right place
I am so desperate for some advice/help, I just feel so broken. I have always suffered depression, I was an abused child and I went into abusive/controlling relationships as an adult. I have been married for 14 years, and things have always been a bit dodgy, he is a selfish man, and doesn't have time at all for listening to my worries, he just brushes them off as stupid. I have always had a fear of being dumped for a younger woman or girl, my past 2 husbands both cheated on me with 13 & 14 yr olds. As I get older this is becoming an obsession for me and getting quite out of control. I feel old and ugly and I know its only a matter of time before he trades me in for something young and gorgeous. I feel like all men are disgusting and perverted in this way. I asked him if he had the choice between sex with me and some hot little teen what would he choose, he said that was a stupid question, so i said if some teen dropped her knickers for you you wouldnt say no would you? and he said he refused to answer that, surely if it didnt cross his mind he would answer wouldnt he? I am terrified of him going to visit his daughter as she has really slutty looking friends, and I know he will do something, why wouldnt he, any man with a sad old hag as a wife like me would jump on that surely! It has got to the point where I just cant go on, I hate my life, I cannot look in a mirror, I disgust myself, I hate him looking at my face because I feel sorry for what he has to live with, when we have sex I refuse to enjoy it and force myself to imagine him having sex with some sexy teenager and she will be laughing and saying how she is so much better than his ugly old wife and he will agree! is this messed up or what? I feel I have to torture myself for being so ugly and , it hurts like hell and breaks my heart and I have no idea why I do it.
I just want to die, I cant go on I will just get older and uglier, but I have to live for my daughter, it's like torture! I am hell bent on finding something out on him and sure enough I did, I went through my google web history on my google account and I found going back over 6 years about 5 various searches for "teen sex" "older man ###$ teen" and various searches of nude sluts! i feel absolutely broken, I asked him about it and he got really angry and said I was crazy and needed my head tested and that it wasn't him, but only me and him use that google acct. Even when i said if he had nothing to hide he would be calm and that yelling made him look guilty he just yelled more that I was f****d in the head and denied everything, even though those searches were in the same time zone as he was searching his regular stuff (bank, email, game sites) every night I hope i dont wake up in the morning, I cant stand living like this and dont know what to do, I am so bitter, and hate everyone, I just feel its only a matter of time before he dumps me and will be off laughing about me to some young slut
What can I do?