The first thing my dad said in response to a tumor (which at the time I had no idea if it was benign or not)... was "it's your fault. it's probably the way you eat that caused it." Thankfully, it's benign. I have some sort of problem with my eye. The first thing my dad said was.."it's your fault. you probably caused it by wearing your contacts too much."

Okay, he was very angry. This is what I have a hard time understanding...

If my daughter said she had a tumor I would show empathy along with suggestions and options.

Sure, tell me what I can do to change but do not attack or try to put the blame on me so heavily without any facts. For example, we have no idea why my eyes seem infected. I have yet to go to the doctor. So, why is their such harshness in blaming me before we have any results?

A year ago, I went through several illnesses. Now, this has decreased significantly. Is he angry about the past though?

Currently, I let my chronic pain persist and refuse to get help from the chiropractor because of this "blame game" and me realizing my dad shouldn't have to pay for my expenses for health if I'm not doing enough to get well (this is only in reference to the chronic pain).

I have never found the strength to do what I need to do to get well with my chronic pain... at the same time, doctors have yet to find a cause and its been 6 years. How much effort can you make in improving something you have no cause for? Anyways, I choose to stay in pain because I don't do enough to maintain healthier bones and have yet to figure out how to get motivated. And I am assuming my dad doesn't want to just keep paying for it... so i just let myself stay in pain. I do work but my job does not cover certain expenses I need.

Today, I am 24 years old. In the beginning I had no idea why my chronic pain started as a teen. I just was, so a lot of this started before I even understood anything about taking care of myself or why it hurt.

But what hurts more than physical pain is such harsh words from my dad.
I don't understand why he feels the need to first blame me for any and all sicknesses I get.

If I freaking had cancer would his response be... it's your fault? Cus' no matter what sickness comes my way, it's my fault. Why does it have to be entirely anyone's fault? So many factors play in the wellness of who we are. I choose to see myself as someone who needs to do better with health but who is also just human, with natural inconsistencies and problems with sicknesses that everyone experiences in life. Why does a sickness need an element of blame? Can't I just be sick and that be it. Why must any sort of blame game be played at all? I don't get it.

I hurt every day and I forgive myself. What do you think?