You loathe yourself... hate yourself, LifeIsCruel? Perhaps you think you are the worst person in the history of the world? Congratulations! This is a great place to start! All that icky smelly stuff is your wealth. You can use it to achieve genuine equanimity.

Instead of fighting a never ending (& losing) battle with these ugly thoughts, simply allow them to come forth. Acknowledge their presence, smile to them, watch them as they bounce around inside your head like silly putty (perhaps touch your heart with your hand as a demonstration to yourself of your love) touch them gently as if touching a delicate flower with a feather. And when they are ready, allow these stinky smelly thoughts & feelings to simply drift away. They have no power over you other than what you give them. They are like hideous looking little monsters that in fact are simply chimeras.

I know what you mean about loathing yourself. I have written elsewhere that I need to believe I am mentally ill because, otherwise, I must face the prospect that I am simply a bad seed, a reject on the assembly line of human existence, spawn of the devil. I have caused great harm in my life & it is only the belief that I am mentally ill that allows me to live with the knowledge of what I have done. That & the practice I have described above. It may sound sort-of "warm-fuzzyish". But it takes real strength to be able to hold your seat in the face of emotionally charged thoughts & feelings such as these.

If you want to have muscles, simply go to a fitness center, get a trainer, & start working out. This is a great idea if it's something you're interested in! And building a fine physique is certainly going to be helpful in terms of your self concept. But, in addition, you must learn to work with the thoughts & emotions that are constantly going off like fireworks inside your head. And stuffing them back down, refusing to look at them, trying to cut them off at the knees, etc. only makes them stronger. You must learn to sit lovingly with them & allow them to go on their way as they will. Over time, they will fade like the Cheshire cat until, at some at some point down the road, there will be nothing left but their grimaces...