I've always heard the adage, our secrets keep us sick. I don't buy that anymore when it comes to my treatment. At my last stay in the psych ward I was terrified that I was losing my mind. As most patients, I was in an extremely vulnerable situation. For 5 days I was grilled on everything from when I lost my virginity, a list of all drugs I've used, and the worst - ptsd from childhood.

I swear to God about 12 people subjected me to detailed scrutiny. Social workers, nurses, therapists, numerous pdocs, primary care doctors, and best of all a pair of young somethings. I was never told if they were students, interns, or college kids doing there required psych 101 studies. I'll just refer to them as tweedle dee and tweedle dum.

I was way worse after discharge. In the past I've been stabilized with meds and come to a point where I'm not suicidal or homicidal. ( I've never been homicidal until spending 5 days with the cheerful, peppy and intrigued random mental health whatever) I wanted to punch most of them in the face and I'm not a violent person.

So, since my release in March I feel violated. Every time I divulged into the twisted senerios it was akin to being raped. When I cried I was given visyral aka benadryl or a journal to "write about my feelings."

That was the first time I've been straight up honest and forthcoming with all of my life. Yeah, big mistake. Now, I have so much shame, hopelessness, anger and regret. Who knows where all those people keep the notes of questions, diagnosis and speculation. I have no idea where they work or any accredidations. Maybe I'm patient X a dehumanized case study. Usually I'm able to better research or judge psych employees and know if they're straight up incompetent. But I was so desperate for help from anyone.

I feel like I'm on the cover of an awful tabloids full of unflattering photos, brutal opinions and speculation. It is now hard to make eye contact, I've left AA, I keep my mouth shut and downplay illness.

[emoji27] I don't think I will ever trust anyone with what goes on in my head.
Except here, thank God for this we site.

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