Thank you everyone for your replies. I don't feel so alone on this now I know there are others. I have only just told my partner and my therapist, it has been the hardest one to tell, so very lonely until you all replied.

The presence of a validating, loving, non-objectifying relationship makes sense as a supporting factor. I am lucky to, like others, after yonks of shallow, abusive, or body-based relationships, have finally made a healthy choice of partner and relationship. So, I have that in place. I am on top of most of my MH symptoms through therapy (which terminates in August). So, I feel my life conditions are right for digging this one up.

When I talked about abstinence from orgasm, I only meant for as long as it takes for the association between orgasm and abuse to be broken. See, orgasm was very important to my abuser, (although most of the time it was quite painful for me - my body was too wee to handle such big sensation) it was a clear indication for him that he had the ultimate control over my body. So this is another reason why I think it would be helpful to break the abuse-orgasm association. I have tried in the past to just "push away" the abuse movie in my head, but then I am so up in my head, wrestling with the movie that I lose sensation in my body and don't orgasm anyway.

So, what I have decided to do is this: during sexual activity, when the movie starts I will not fight it, but I will not allow myself to orgasm while it is playing, I'll do something else that doesn't lead there until it stops. When it goes away without me having to wrestle, I will allow myself to re-engage in all activities again, and repeat this until (hopefully) the association lessens. That's the theory.

Does anyone think that starting a journal thread for how this is going for me might be helpful - for all of us?