I do many things which I will acknowledge as being self harming. I cut and I hit and I bruise myself and I burn, but more recently I think I am allowing my husband to do things to me despite me not wanting to, but me letting him. Not his fault, but mine, so I guess I would call it another form of my self harming.

I currently cant stand the thought of having sex or being sexual in any way whatsoever, as I am really having trouble dealing with the issues surronding my childhood (I was sexually abused by two other childen for around 2 years when I was 8) as I am having to talk about stuff with my councellor that I really thought I had hidden in my head and locked away.

Despite this and despite me telling my husband that I am not interested in sex at the moment and the reasons behind it, if he tries coming on to me in bed, I just let him. He asks if I am ok with it and even though inside I am screaming "NO NO NO" I allow him to do what he likes, even if it hurts me like hell.

I wish I had the strength to say NO, but I dont, I just let it happen over and over again, and every time it happens I end up cutting myself more and more in an attempt to make myself undesireable to him I guess and to punish myself for being so useless and weak.

I sometimes wish I had the courage and strength just to end it all, then I wouldnt have to be like this any more.