Hi all,

My first post, and I probably should have posted it in the new members section, but I've always felt nervous about introductions, even, it seems, on anonymous message boards. Just wanted to find a place to write my feelings down for future reference, and maybe get a response as an added bonus.

I've been moderately depressed for about two years now. It's not extreme, but it is constant and slowly saps away any hope or happiness I may have once had. Who knows how these things start. But anyway I heard some lyrics from a song that I can really relate to. It follows: "happiness is a mat that sits on her doorway". That's about how I feel anyway. Except I'm not a woman heh.

Some things about myself:
I am well below normal intelligence, possibly a large factor in my depression. I've given up any hope of higher education or a well paying career because of this, and I try to guard this fact most fiercely. Often I try and hide it by the way I talk or write, and it is probably the reason why I try to keep contact with other people to a bare minimum; it doesn't take much conversation at all for others to discover this. It also makes me sad, thinking about it, this alone will prevent me from ever having any meaningful relationship. Most people want partners who are successful, funny, intelligent, and reasonably good looking. Okay maybe if push comes to shove I fulfil the last criteria. Still only a 25% - a fail in most tests.

But I can't fully blame stupidity and feelings of inadequacy for my depression. I'm becoming more convinced that melancholy is just a wretched part of my disposition. Even if I did have a wife, a job, and 2.3 children, where would it lead to? We all end up in the same place. And I think the happiness felt in new relationships is transitory. I cannot imagine an outcome that would lead to happiness, truly.

Lately I've been lying around, trying to sleep as much as possible. My muscles have pretty much atrophied from lack of activity but I almost don't care. I used to have interest in things. Where did it go? Oh well. No job and not much prospect in getting one leaves plenty of time around for thoughts, most likely as I stare at one wall or another. Is that a spider web I see? That is an interesting development.

Thanks for reading this far, assuming you have. I don't know what the point of any of it is, but then I suppose that matches my view on life. Maybe I'll write again soon, when I find the time (joke). Also, I'm sorry if I made anyone reading this feel [increasingly] depressed, that wasn't my intention, though the saying misery loves company may evidently be true.