Congratulations on your recent college graduation. Well done.

When my husband was diagnosed with cancer, some people did freak out and start looking for ways to blame him, to make it somehow his fault. Cancer is so scary that people look for magic talismans to keep themselves safe. For many people, blame is that magic talisman. If they can find a reason to say you brought your troubles on yourself -- when you didn't -- it makes them feel safer in the world.

Your dad sounds like he's an habitually negative guy. You can't change him. Blame may be his habitual way of dealing with things that scare him. Finding out your kid has a tumor is pretty darn scary. Instead of comforting you, he attacked. That's his shortcoming as a human-being; it's not your fault.

If you have a chronic pain problem, it might scare him more than you think. If he can blame you, it means that in his mind you could get well "if you just did the right thing." That's much less scary to a parent than believing their child has some mysterious disorder that may not respond well to treatments.

It may not make any rational sense at all, but your dad may irrationally believe in some back corner of his mind that his blame will not only motivate you to "do the right thing," but that it somehow protects you from a bad diagnosis, as well as protecting him and the other people he cares about. If he can find blame, then his mind tells him he's found "the cause" and that means that your illness does not represent some unknowable, random event that he can't control.

It's completely irrational, but in an odd way blame comforts people, even if it makes them rage. Blame makes him feel more in control of his life and his family. Who ever said human emotions make sense?

He may also feel frustrated if you know there are things you could do to improve your situation, but you haven't yet found the motivation to do it. He may be one of the people who only know how to express their care and concern in a negative way. Like parents who angrily shout, "Where the hell have you been?" when they feel tremendous relief their missing child has finally come home. It just makes the kid not want to come home at all, but in fact the parents' anger is their way of dealing with overwhelming anxiety.

Maybe your dad is just not a very emotionally aware guy. As long as you have to depend on him for some of your medical care, it may be in your best interest to just accept him the way he is -- slightly defective -- while you put whatever energy you have into taking baby steps toward doing those things that will make you feel better.

I'm glad your tumor was benign. Very scary stuff. Hope your mom was able to give you some support and encouragement while your dad was spouting. Take care.