Hello all. I'm you're relatively normal 24 yr old. I work a full time job, bought my first brand new car and got my first apartment. I'm also engaged to the man of my dreams and have the wonderful experience of helping to take care of his two young children. But I'm about to lose everything because I am terrified.

I've been battling with myself since I was 14 and it wasn't until I was 16 that I got psychiatric help. I went through years of self injury, drugs and alcohol to try to stop something I didn't understand. When I finally did realize that I needed real help, not self medication, I was instantly put on medication and into therapy. I went through therapists that judged me based on things I had done in my past and the medicine made me a zombie. I wasn't sad or depressed anymore, but I wasn't happy or able to enjoy my life either. I merely existed. When I turned 18, I gave up on professional help because I didn't feel helped. I felt judged and drugged.

So for four years after that I returned to drinking and marijuana. I personally felt like I had control of myself and my emotions and that I could handle the day to day ups and downs. When I did meet my amazing fiancé, I stopped drinking. I didn't hate my life with him in it and didn't feel the need to drink away my reality anymore. I continued to smoke marijuana though, because I believe it truly helped me to calm down and focus on what was real and what was just in my head. In the last few months, I've smoked less and less but have been feeling more and more strained. I started feening for alcohol more and more than a few times resorted to self injury in my rages.

At this point, I have lost control of me. I am not the woman my fiancé proposed to. I struggle to find the drive just to get out of bed to go to work. My fiancé has been telling me for a while now that he loves me but I need to seek out professional help because the spiral I've been going down is not good to have around him (who's been getting his own help) and his children who are too young to understand why I'm so unhappy. I'm terrified of going back to a therapist and being judged again and being put on medications that merely send me through the day instead of uplifting me. Can anyone please give me your opinions on this? I want so desperately to be happy and whole again. I used to love life and live each day so happy.