Quote:
Originally Posted by Claritytoo
I was sitting in my t office listening to me cry about having hit a bird with my car on my way to therapy. When it happened I had no feelings, than I started thinking about why I had no feelings about. I was sad for the bird but than moved right into what do you do mode. By the time I got into session I was withdrawn, quite, very sad. My t asked me about my mood and I eventually told her what happened all the time crying as if I was nine years old. Some of my other parts were listening. Some were unsympathetic and others were understanding. By the end of session I felt like I had no idea who I am. I used to know. But now I fall apart and float, and feel like I don't know me at all. It's a day later and I still feel very solomon. I almost wouldn't drive this morning because I was afraid. Now I am sitting here dreading the drive home. What I thought I knew about myself is crumbling and I don't know who will be left when it is all said and done. I don't want to go back to therapy. I want it to stop, I want my mind back. I want my focus back but at this point I feel almost too tired to do anything.
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Hi Claritytoo,
I completely understand. I have been in therapy for 4 years and I thought for quite some time that it made me more weak than strong.. that I was more together when I hadn't gone for therapy. But I was wrong. I needed to look after myself completely, as a whole, without denying the parts of me that felt very very hurt, alone, abandoned, crushed, suffocated, silenced, disciplined, etc. etc... I was upset that I had to go through it all over again.. feel it again. It felt so unfair. Most sessions, when I cried a lot, or felt choked because I didn't cry because my T touched on some very painful things from my past, I would not be able to recognize myself later. I wanted to not ever go back and I felt angry at everyone. I would be afraid to drive too.
I hope you can see that crumbling is also just something that you are going through. It, in no way,defines you.
You are strong to be sharing this here. It's not easy to even tell someone how helpless and lost it feels. It takes courage to accept you are weak.
Maybe right now, you are not as strong as you wish you were. But that too, is sometimes social conditioning.. we are rewarded for showing a brave front despite whatever's going on inside.
I know you think that you will lose yourself. I was so sure that was going to happen to me. But it didn't. On bad days, there used to be very little that could cheer me up, or keep me afloat. For added fun, my family gave me a tough time. I didn't have friends who understood. They thought I was aloof and being selfish and blaming my family for things that happened too long ago. It made things worse.. because I was really in pain and alone in a crowd.
I decided to carry on somehow..Meeting new people and doing the things I wanted to do as a kid helped me. I realized I had denied myself many little things.. and when I started, it took a lot of my time and I made new friends and for some parts of the day, I felt free and slowly even happy to be myself.
So, just hang in there. There is hope yet. Just find some things you wanted to do and couldn't find time to, or felt shy about, or didn't have the money for. Then, try a few.
Sorry, if this is too preachy.. I just feel that if I could feel better, you can too.
If you don't want to do an activity/meet people, just hang in there. Know that you'll pull through.. even if it's a tiny, weak voice saying that right now. That helps.
