Thread info (open to additions & adjustments as I explore this)

This is a journal.

I may add to the info section as my thoughts organise - I am a bit disorganised in my head today.

The journey is an attempt to override a life-long association in the brain between abusive sexual fantasies (ASF) and orgasm (ORG).

I am hoping to weaken the association by refusing to experience ORG whilst any ASF movies are playing in my mind.

The aim is to experience ORG without ASF playing.

The aim is to be fully present when I am with my partner.

My Beliefs

I believe ASF operates in several ways for me

(1) I can leave my body and avoid true intimacy when engaging in ASF - it was when I was open and vulnerable that I was wounded deeply (CSA age 4-13), so it makes sense I learned to avoid (any chance of) that to cope with sex.

(2) I was overstimulated from a very young age, and my ASF have followed a similar pattern to drug use - increasingly extreme in order to achieve the "high" (ORG), so in-line with addiction theory, I am going to attempt to starve my brain of the "high", in the hope that it will normalise, so that "normal" sexual interaction will be engaging.

(3) Dissociation was one of my main coping skills - I (mentally) created a patchwork quilt on the wall that I would get lost in when I was being abused, so fragmenting myself so that one part can be safe from danger is what's normal to me, but I don't need this skill any more - during stimulation that could lead to ORG, I believe a fragment of myself goes to the ASF and a fragment stays in my body - I believe breaking the association could bring the ASF fragment back into my body.

(3, i) Because ORG and stimulation were so overwhelming when I first experienced them, I believe the ASF-ORG association could also function to distance me from bodily sensation that I may still fear will overwhelm me - as they did when I was small - by providing me somewhere else to go (ASF) rather than be wholly in my body with the (potentially overwhelming) sensations. The ASF appear to be a less intimidating place to be than my body.

(4) A lot of the abuse was coupled with threats of horrendous violence, but I was "lucky" to actually only receive restraint, slaps and shoves, and they didn't happen on every occasion, so I believe part of my association is between pleasure-pain - so this is a sub-association, if you like, that I hope to weaken.

(5) Through therapy, I believe I have worth. I believe I deserve pleasure without pain. I believe I am beautiful as I am, and do not have to play a sexual "role" any longer. I believe I deserve to be present when my partner offers me the gift of intimacy. I believe my partner deserves my presence also. So, mentally, I am in relatively good condition - aside from this.

(6) This may be as simple as breaking a habit, or as laborious as treating an addiction - only time will tell.

Notes

This is a very personal, and intimate journey, and I never intended to document it publicly, however, I was unaware that so many others struggled with this too until I asked on here, so I hope that making this journal may help others in some way too.