Thank you both so much for answering. It is like tossing me a life raft or something. I have to say that venting here helped me and your responses helped me.

I have to say that I am often strong and have developed many skills over the years as I get to know myself. I think that there is a certain point that the depression gets away from me... and then I switch in to catastrophic mode....and then catatonic. So it was important for me to be able to reach out here. Thank you.

I like the idea of having a buzz word but then what does one do with the emotions. I know that is a question for the pdoc.

I sent my pdoc a fax yesterday that included... it is time to get back on a med. I considered taking the residuals of the last med I was on but am holding out for the pdoc...maybe. I am trusting him to find the right med for me based on my symptoms though the last one was in a different category and unfortunately did not work. I think I hoped to see how I might do with the meds out of my system. It has been years sinse I was off meds totally.

I think that I have reached a difficult time of my therapy and also hoped that being off the meds would allow the vulnerability to come through but alas... too much vulnerability.

I hate my anger. I am a kind person so there is a split. It is confusing that I am the kind and not so kind person.

I think that therapy allows us to work to fix ourselves or make things less painful....by understanding and letting us reframe / reorganize. I just feel that at some time.. perhaps now.. the walls are thick or maybe insurmountable. That is frustrating as in this case I have developed my own walls/boundaries that most of society does not use or understand. Though I know we all have our own.... I am going too far with this.

I am familiar with CBT and will go to the yellow stickie and see what might help me dig out today. Just being heard helps me so much...

Thank you.

Might I ask on the page that shows how many replies there are and how many people have read... What are the figures in red as opposed to the black?

Though I am not feeling grand still I am feeling better for the moment. This will allow myself a chance to grab pulling up a bit more.