Thanks All.
Unfortunately, Tuesday is my last session with this T, and I don't have a new one yet (waiting for someone from the new agency to contact me about that. hoping it's sooner rather than later). I'm very much feeling the loss of this T as there was a lot of "parental-ish" transference that I never did address with her, and she is leaving a few days before the 20th anniversary of the death of my aunt, who was very much like a parent to me. That day also happens to be the anniversary of my first suicide attempt 7 years ago. It's generally a tough day for me. Prior to her letting me know she was leaving, I had asked for extra support around this day because it had already crept into my awareness over a month prior (generally if that happens, it's going to be a rough one). I am also trying to deal with the absence of my wife (moved up north last month to help us get settled there), feeling very alone, and the pending loss of the house I inherited from my aunt after she passed. I've lost my immediate at-home support (wife), I'm losing the house, I'm losing my safe space (therapist), and I don't have a definite follow-up support at this time. All the losses and lonliness around this time seem to be mirroring the situation around the loss of my aunt. It was easier to handle when everything wasn't SO similar to the time she died, but with these things all lining up, it's excrutiating.
Intellectually, I know it's not the same loss, but emotionally it very much feels like it. I try grounding, I try reality-checking around it, but it doesn't really lessen the pain and hopelessnes. I'm trying really hard to stay out of the hospital over this because I know the hospital doesn't really offer any meaningful support, just physical safety (certainly not emotional safety because the inpatient units here are very degrading & de-humanizing). I know where my head is going right now, and it's kinda scary. I have not disclosed that to my T, because I don;t want that to be her last memory of me, but I'm really struggling. Today is a better day, so I am doing my best to make plans for the coming weeks of down-time from support. I know I have trouble keeping up with those plans though when I'm really depressed. I tend to benefit a lot from outside accountability. I wish I could find a way to have that at this time, but there's no resources I qualify for down here.
I keep trying to remind myself to breathe and reach out as needed... It's difficult.