Thank you so much!! I'm sorry I am late responding to you but I thought the thread was dead and hadn't looked at it.

You are so right about saying everything. I have learned a bit since I posted that. In fact, I have changed therapists, now paying myself for one who is analytical and who CAN and does indeed take anything I tell her. I know she can but still know I am holding back. It's hard to make yourself look bad when you spend so much of your life trying to not look bad and trying to keep the things in that you need to really get out in therapy. I think we're doing good, working well together even with my holding back and the overwhelming shame I feel that makes me look at the floor and ties my tongue and dulls my brain. I trust if I keep at it, it will get better. I won't quit this time. If all I can do is show up for my appointment, then that's what I'll do.

I don't care what the diagnosis is anymore. However I am pretty sure BPD is it. Browsing at the bookstore today I found a book that really resonates with me so I bought it. It's called "Understanding the Borderline Mother" I posted about it in psychotherapy.

Thanks so much AlteredState01 for your reply ! xoxoxo