Quote:
Originally Posted by 12towers
Hi all,
My first post, and I probably should have posted it in the new members section, but I've always felt nervous about introductions, even, it seems, on anonymous message boards. Just wanted to find a place to write my feelings down for future reference, and maybe get a response as an added bonus. 
I've been moderately depressed for about two years now. It's not extreme, but it is constant and slowly saps away any hope or happiness I may have once had. Who knows how these things start. But anyway I heard some lyrics from a song that I can really relate to. It follows: "happiness is a mat that sits on her doorway". That's about how I feel anyway. Except I'm not a woman heh.
Some things about myself:
I am well below normal intelligence, possibly a large factor in my depression. I've given up any hope of higher education or a well paying career because of this, and I try to guard this fact most fiercely. Often I try and hide it by the way I talk or write, and it is probably the reason why I try to keep contact with other people to a bare minimum; it doesn't take much conversation at all for others to discover this. It also makes me sad, thinking about it, this alone will prevent me from ever having any meaningful relationship. Most people want partners who are successful, funny, intelligent, and reasonably good looking. Okay maybe if push comes to shove I fulfil the last criteria. Still only a 25% - a fail in most tests.
But I can't fully blame stupidity and feelings of inadequacy for my depression. I'm becoming more convinced that melancholy is just a wretched part of my disposition. Even if I did have a wife, a job, and 2.3 children, where would it lead to? We all end up in the same place. And I think the happiness felt in new relationships is transitory. I cannot imagine an outcome that would lead to happiness, truly.
Lately I've been lying around, trying to sleep as much as possible. My muscles have pretty much atrophied from lack of activity but I almost don't care. I used to have interest in things. Where did it go? Oh well. No job and not much prospect in getting one leaves plenty of time around for thoughts, most likely as I stare at one wall or another. Is that a spider web I see? That is an interesting development. 
Thanks for reading this far, assuming you have. I don't know what the point of any of it is, but then I suppose that matches my view on life. Maybe I'll write again soon, when I find the time (joke). Also, I'm sorry if I made anyone reading this feel [increasingly] depressed, that wasn't my intention, though the saying misery loves company may evidently be true. |
Honestly, when I'm reading what you wrote it is like I'm looking at a mirror into my past.
Things I think you should be made aware of:
Depression, mood disorders, and A.D.D. can greatly affect how one interacts socially, especially in a conversation. The increased demand on the brain for auditory processing will often make it difficult to learn from lectures or hold a conversation, whereas a textbook or visual presentation will often be easier to digest. Depression alters brain chemistry, the activity of its constituent parts, and long-term depression will affect working memory as well as short-term and, when as persistent as you have described your depression to be, even long-term memory. I wouldn't call your depression mild, it's too familiar to me, that apathetic view of everything (spider webs as interesting developments). Even my internal doubts as to my level of intelligence are mirrored in yours. Maybe I just have more information which provides a cause to doubt my doubts, or maybe I'm just kidding myself about the reality of my limitations. It's a vicious thought cycle, but I know I won't find out - and I believe I need to know with certainty - what my intellectual potential is until I can achieve suitable degree of mental stability.
Psychiatric treatment can help effect change. It's also important to realize that people with A.D.D., people who have disorders affecting their ability to perform, can and do compensate by developing coping mechanisms. Using these often means it takes more time - time which is afforded in writing - but they nonetheless have an understanding of the world equivalent to, and sometimes greater than, those who can easily hold a conversation. Treatment and learning to cope can significantly improve cognition.
Go walk for thirty minutes, an hour, two even. Physical exercise can really help. Even when my depression was excessive I found thoughts of suicide were less frequent while walking than when laying down on the floor staring at the ceiling with little else but my thoughts of how there are no discernible solutions to my life problems. Some days I really did just go walk around in circles for two hours. It provided some degree of relief, and so, abstractly, I could say it provided value, and people derive meaning from things which provide them personal value, so maybe it is meaningful, even if I am unable to derive a emotive perception of it having meaning.
Maintain a regular sleep cycle. Get at least eight, but no more than ten, hours of sleep every night. Go to bed and wake up at the same time, plus or minus an hour. Set an alarm on your phone, or whatever, so that you have to get out of bed in order to turn it off.
Thinking about how broken I am, spending years trying to find something interesting, going from one transitory chemical reward to the next, one thing more distracting the last, until I ran out of things to be interested in. I started to build habits, learning to cope, and it's been marginally successful to where I can entertain the prospect that perhaps it'll be worth playing chemical roulette one more time. I can't know if things will get better for you, because, well, I can barely entertain they'll get better for me. I'd just advise you consider the same alternatives I am, seeking professional help and interacting with people who seem like they might be able to directly relate. Maybe you already are, as I am.