I am a 32 year old woman and I've found myself back into the cycle o bulimia again. I've relapse and I find myself not wanting to quit and I feel such guilt, shame and as a fraud because I don't want to quite. Its been a week since I relapse and before that I probable relapse about 2 years ago and I quickly stopped after 1 or 3 episodes of B &P. I find myself doing that maybe every few years but every time I did relapse I always wanted to quit right afterwards because I'm consumed with fear of the dark days of becoming addicted to the B&P.

The ED started when I was in high school and I lived that life for 3 years until I was put into therapy and it worked for me. So I'm somewhat aware of why I use B&P as my choice to cope with life's stressors. What triggered the ED again was my father's failing health and his alcoholism. I've taken on the role to care for his health. Another stressor is being in graduate school and the unbearable feeling of failure. Then finally being in a loving relationship with my boyfriend who I continue to push away and how I can't accept his love.

I'm on Wellbrutin XL for depression and anxiety due to graduate school. My doctors and therapist are not aware of my ED. I thought the ED would finally be put behind me. My boyfriend is aware of the B&P and he loves me regardless but I won't ever allow myself to feel good enough.

I'm at a road block and I know soon enough I'll fall into a sink hole that I can't get out of. I'm scared.