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sunrise said:
WARNING -- POSSIBLE SI TRIGGER AHEAD LAST PARAGRAPH

I had my session with T last night. Of course I had my plans for what we would discuss: 2 topics, 1 of which was a powerful, positive dream that I wanted to end with. Well, my first topic was not a pleasant one, and it didn't seem right to segue into the dream so I went to another difficult topic. This ended up being a tough session with a large dose of the "nuts and bolts" that I so hate and don't want to see my sessions with T grow into. Yet we did some really good work and I got some answers to some questions I have had in his area of expertise. But I feel we are a little at odds, kind of in the way that a father who is a certain profession, maybe a blacksmith or a doctor, and who wants and hopes his son will take over his job or business when he grows up and follow in his footsteps. I feel I am somehow disappointing T by not falling into line with the way he approves of getting to my goal. So I feel I am disappointing him, which hurts. I want to "please" him.

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This is a powerful and important metaphor. Have you shared this with him? The fact that you feel you're going to disappointment him is so important for him to know because it is holding you back from being completely open with him. I have often felt the same with my T, especially since I am going to school to be a therapist. I often felt that I was falling short of his "colleague" if I admitted certain things. Have you told him that you don't want to disappoint him?

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I am feeling a strong need to dump many years of stored hurt into T's office. Decades.

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Wow. This is some serious transference. If you are feeling this strong need, I would say the time is getting close for you to dump this hurt. Trust your unconscious. You will, when you're ready. That's what he is there for. You can dump your hurt on him. Because he won't go anywhere. And once you do, you can learn what to do with it from there.

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Since our session I have been plagued by thoughts of letting loose in T's office, all my hurt, just an avalanche, The form this fantasy takes harkens back to my days as a teen when I coped with the emotional pain in my life due to Mom by storing it all inside and then releasing it by cutting myself. I did this for years and it was extremely helpful to me in dealing with my pain. When I moved far far away from home, I left that pain behind and so didn't cut anymore. Now it is 30 years later and cutting, perhaps my most successful strategy ever of coping with emotional pain, is intruding into my thoughts. The images are very vivid and I can't stop them. I keep seeing myself in T's office with a knife, cutting, and the blood running onto his carpet. Somehow this is very compelling to me and in my fantasy, it feels great. It feels tremendous. What a release. I'm sure T would be horrified to know I am picturing this over and over. I'm kind of horrified myself. I touch my arms and my flesh just jumps, as if yearning to release with him present. He is an integral part of the fantasy. When I was a teen, I always cut in private. And now I want T to share this???? God, I am so screwed up. My most charitable interpretation is that this is a metaphor for my desire to share my accumulated pain and hurt with T in his office. But the images are so vivid and it seems really shameful to me that I am imagining this bloodletting as a good thing and something I want to share with a guy I think the world of, my T.

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This is huge. I encourage you to share this with him. Maybe it isn't a bad thing. Maybe the image is letting you know that you are ready to take something so very private-- and finally let someone else in. When you experience these images, what do you imagine your T doing when you cut in his presence? Do you really think he would be "horrified" if you told him about this? Sometimes when we are horrified by our own thoughts and images, we tend to think that our T's would find them awful as well-- this tends to "help" us by getting around telling them the really scary stuff. We convince ourselves that they wouldn't want to hear it-- but we are really the ones who are scared and uncomfortable. Sunny, I think you are on the edge of your pain and hurt right now-- just about to spill over in regards to letting your T share this with you. It sounds like you are almost ready.

Also, have a wonderful time away with your daughter. Let me know how you're doing when you get back.