So, the other day my husband is snooping through some of my paperwork and comes across records from a past psychologist of mine. He notices the diagnosis as PTSD. He laughs and says flippantly, "Obviously, he was a dumb *** because you've never been to war!" For a second I just stare at him thinking he must be * trying* to be funny...& failing miserably. Nope, not the case-- turns out he honest to God thinks a person can ONLY suffer from PTSD if they have been in the military and actively been in a war zone. After getting nowhere (but more upset) trying to explain any traumatic event can lead to PTSD, I just dropped it and agreed with him that he is absolutely right I don't have PTSD and my therapist was a quack for diagnosing it.
I also suffer from agoraphobia, which he understands even less than the PTSD. I go into public, but it's a process working myself up to it and I don't stay long. A good 50+% of the time I don't make it out of my vehicle once I make it to my destination. I end up sitting in my car in the parking lot but can't bring myself to get out without panicking. If I am with my husband it's not as bad because it's like he's this safety net between me and everyone else. Unfortunately, he finds my fear hilarious.
I get asked what keeps me with this man. He is verbally, emotionally, and (at times) physically abusive. Familiarity. I know he only makes my life more depressing and contributes VERY heavily to the negativity, but how will leave my house without him as my 'crutch' to buffer me from crowds of others? How could I get my children places (& not just drop offs) without going into full on panic attack? I don't know.....

I am just feeling especially isolated. Truth is, I haven't loved this man in a VERY long time. I'm not sure I ever really did. I can't bring myself to let go though because of my own fears. It just sucks...