I'm not sure why, but proper assertiveness doesn't feel good to me. It feels unsafe. It feels like I am being arrogant, or rude, or expecting too much. The more strongly a situation demands assertiveness, the more I either get defensive or apologetic or turn into a two legged marshmallow.

I CAN say "No" quite easily ... but only if I then give a two page dissertation as to why I am saying no, delivered on high quality paper in triplicate. Sometimes I get the urge to say "No, and I'm saying no because I just feel like being a jerk today, that's the only valid explanation I can come up with." (Luckily I don't actually say this).

The worst of it is if I have to say No to an authority figure, and/or someone I don't know well, which feels like waving at the tide and demanding it go out just because I say so. I feel pretty intimidated and stupid. Saying no to someone I know well and for a valid reason is very uncomfortable but not as horrible.

This is getting really, really old. I'm kind of at a loss as to what to do.