It was suggested to me that I come here to look for help. I joined today when I was browsing the internet, looking for something that would explain what is happening in my mind. Where better to ask?

I started what I call hallucinating for want of a better word. It is an altered reality. One that I have trouble describing because I want to be completely accurate and clear. I'm afraid that I will be categorized incorrectly if I'm misunderstood.

They started a year ago. It was day 6 in rehab, where I had voluntarily gone to withdraw from suboxone. Against my wishes I was also taken off Klonopin. It felt like I had taken acid. A beautiful choir was singing and the sound came out of the air conditioning vent. I sat on my bed and saw in my minds eye amazing things and had epiphanies that I was convinced were life-changing. They became episodes that came and went during the 30 days in rehab and continued for many weeks after I got home. I became incapacitated. My doctor had my husband take me into her office every morning before it opened (to protect my dignity) where she tried to figure out what was wrong and juggle medication, etc. My husband and sister had to take turns caring for me because I was not lucid, could not walk without falling, picked things out of the air, talked to myself. I barely slept but when I did I would fall out of bed. If I woke up and needed the bathroom I would crash into a wall or fall. I ended up breaking a rib and my nose. They took turns sleeping so that I was never unattended. I lost 20 lbs and was too weak to stand in the shower or wash my hair. Around three months in I started to come back, but I never felt completely right.

However, a couple months later I had another, quite different event. I was minding my own business, watching Downton Abbey (seriously?) when I felt strange and I knew something was "coming over me". At first I felt completely detached from reality, as though I was an indifferent observer, looking on, aloof and untouched. Again, it was as though I had taken a powerful drug and I was transported into a world of weirdness that I could no more control than if I had told the sun to stop shining. But this was different from the withdrawal hallucinations. I felt like I was flipping back and forth between euphoria and abject terror, sometimes several times in one minute. Example: "(me talking to husband) I feel like I'm losing myself and I can't stop it... But no, I'm fine, don't worry, no wait, oh my #&@ this is it, I may never come back...there's nothing to fret about, if I don't come out of this I'll still be ok...tell the kids that I love them.."--even as I write this it does not begin to describe the bazaar-ness of that night! It slowly dissipated over a couple hours and I was ok--exhausted but ok.

I did nothing about that episode--didn't go to the doctor. For a couple weeks I was ok. Two months ago I started having similar but not as intense spells. Usually in the AM and then later in the evening. The doctor started seroquel. As the dose went up it started to help. The episodes are not gone but it's easier to cope and they aren't as intense.

I'm sorry for this long-winded monologue. But I'm afraid and I think this is a safe place. Maybe most are long-winded when they can finally say "this is what is happening".