I have been struggling with how to do this without disrespecting my partner by giving too much information. I think I'll just start, and play it by ear.

So, I noticed something last night when we were intimate, something I never realised.
I never considered that I detached during just intercourse. Some of the abuse I experienced was penetrative in nature (digits, objects), but I do not have a memory of successful penile penetration (I remember it attempted though), so I guess I assumed my trauma would be specific to the type of abuses - I think I was wrong. And now thinking about it, it's not as simple as being afraid of only what the abuser done - it is all intimacy - I think I need to remember that the effects of abuse are multifaceted, and I think I have a core issue with emotional intimacy. But I also need to remember I have been lying to myself for years about being sexually healthy - as if abstinence from sex is the only sexual wound you can have - go dichotomous thinking.

God this is hard.
But in the absence of meltdown indicators - usually a sign I should keep going.

During non-penetrative activity the movie started. So I started trying to ground myself by saying in my head "stay in your body" over and over. The movie continued, so I instigated intercourse (which doesn't tend to correspond with a movie), and without really thinking about it, I continued to say "stay in your body" and the most amazing thing happened - I stayed in my body.

It's amazing because until now I never knew I left during straightfoward intercourse. I thought it was only other acts and when the movie played. So, I think *I* had intercourse for the first time last night. Or at least more of me had it than usual. i could feel areas of my body and my partner's body that seemingly had never been there before, it was the strangest thing. I could feel multiple contact areas between us, when before I mainly only noticed the genital contact and any areas where I may be being held.

I'm quite surprised about this. On the one hand, the problem is more all encompassing than I thought, but on the other, at least this time, it was very quick to respond to grounding. And, if I am more connected during intercourse (and comfortable with that level of connection), that should make breaking the ASF-ORG a bit more pleasant.

So, to sum:

I did not engage in the ASF when they started - I changed activity to one that does not lead to ORG.

Through telling myself to stay in my body, I discovered sensations and areas of the body I had been previously closed off to - and liked it.

I still had feelings of sadness afterwards - this is something I haven't really talked about - I am often left with a feeling of profound sadness and emptiness afterwards, and just want to curl into myself. I think this will change as my sexuality develops and becomes more self-considerate.

So, mainly a positive experience this time.