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Old Jun 30, 2014, 08:41 AM
Mika no Chiyoko's Avatar
Mika no Chiyoko Mika no Chiyoko is offline
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Member Since: Jan 2013
Location: Guyana
Posts: 48
This is really hard to talk about.

I entered into my relationship about four, five months ago with a significantly older man -he is 32 and I'll be 19 in a few months- and it went well at first. He's deeply attached, in love and he wants to marry me. Recently we had sex and I lost my virginity to him, after that we had sex on two other occasions.

He had approached me, just to talk, before when I started working. He's a member of security, one of the guards here. I turned him down at first because I could guess where it would have gone. But then one day I stopped and asked him why and it kind of picked up from there, we exchanged numbers and ect cetera.

But we have to keep it secret because if Dad finds out he won't approve and if anyone from my workplace finds out my boyfriend could be transferred. And it's stressful.

Like I said, it went well and I was happy with it. The problem is that I already have issues and problems (depression, self-harm, I did tell him about them) that were severe before now but I had been learning to gradually cope with them. My boyfriend also had a bad breakup some time ago and he hadn't been interested in anything of the sort for a long while. He said when he saw me that changed. I'm not going to pretend to understand that statement on the basis of experience. I've never had a romantic relationship before this, so I wouldn't know how it feels. He also mentioned that whenever he meets a girl and feels about her the way he feels about me they leave and he is deeply hurt.

My problem is that my issues are being amplified by the stress of keeping this a secret. Also while I was in school I was abused for a little while until the perp moved away. On a side note, if I ever see that man again and he makes a move toward me I'm sure that I would either freeze up or try to tear him to shreds. With my teeth and whatever's handy but I digress.

The so with the aftermath of that episode and my depression and the stress of keeping our relationship a secret from everyone but two people that I've told my issues are increasing and I need to either leave him or commit totally and hell with whoever. I don't know what to do, every time I think about this I feel like collapsing and crying or depressed enough that I have to resort to a razor blade. I care enough about him that I honestly don't want to hurt him by leaving him and breaking his heart but I'm scared to leave the only safe haven I really do have; home.
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