Absolutely, kaliope. There is no doubt he is a trigger. T noted that in the beginning of our relationship hubby feigned caring and pushed for details of what had happened, only to later use the knowledge to set up situations mimicking what happened. My T had a lot of notes regarding hubby and how he felt it would be detrimental to both my mental and physical health to get away from him.
Even *KNOWING* all of this about the man I married...I panic more at the idea of him not being around than I do about anything he might do to me when he is around. I don't understand what makes it so hard for me to leave. I recognize what he does, but it's like something is physically holding me in place when I think about leaving--I freeze and panic. It's kind of a catch 22 situation.

I have no doubt whatsoever that either my husband will one day successfully push me over the edge and my life will end by my own hand...or he will snap and go further than he *might* have intended and my life will end by his hand.

I wish I could 'just move on'. I don't have any support system- literally no family, and no friends due to my isolation. My kids are the only other live people I am around sometimes for months at a time. I hate that I got myself into this...and even more that my kids are stuck in it with me. I just can't seem to break his hold.