Firstly, it's important that you somehow get professional input because this can be an indicator of physical/medication issues which need addressing. What about a sexual health clinic as a first port of call? They deal with an array of sex-related issues so even if they're not best placed to help it can ease the worry of actually talking to someone about this. As for performance anxiety, it's quite common sadly and there seems to be this attitude generally that orgasms define sexual experience. If the focus switched a bit i'm sure more people would be finding themselves experiencing them more often (health permitting of course). If a person has decided to sleep with you, that's quite a big commitment on their part - it shows a degree of interest, of care for you. And let's face it, if adults can't talk about not so great sex as and when it happens how can things really improve?

Why don't you ask the next person you're with in a gentle and affirming way what it is they prefer etc. Sometimes judgement really is key - if someone is more submissive that gives you free reign to take a bit more control in giving them pleasure or vice versa. I find that i personally am more inclined to orgasm if the other person is responsive - it demonstrates their involvement and enjoyment in being with me. It's very much a two person process. There's no way you 'should' be doing it as a man it's about being there for each other. Some have an easier time with less of an emotional connection than others etc so that's why spending time to explore this issue is important. Determine if there are any barriers, think about what kind of sex and/or sexual acts you would really enjoy, think about what you would need to say to put across your needs as well as accepting your partners. My point is that can be got around and be an opportunity for growth. If we grow in other parts of our lives then our sexual lives should by rights, follow suit.

I wish you all the best on your journey.