(((((((((((((lilred)))))))))))))

How similar your story sounds to mine. While reading your posts, the flood of memories that came back to me nearly knocked me off my chair. It’s not a bad thing they came back. As a matter of fact, I think it’s good for me to remember where I was and how far I’ve come since I was able to break free from the prison I was living in.

It took me 14 years to gather the strength and knowledge I needed to get out of my situation. My children and I suffered terribly during those years, and unfortunately still do at times. But, I would rather help them with their struggles now than to have lived another moment in time with our abuser. We can be healed, and what we learned from those times will be used to make our lives better, not worse in the long run.

The ex was also a truck driver. He was an alcoholic. There wasn’t a day during our marriage (and I use that term loosely) that didn’t go by without abuse from him. Whether it was physical, mental or emotional, it happened every single day. When a person lives under the umbrella of abuse for so long, they begin to believe their abuser and what is told to them about how rotten a person you are, how insignificant you are, how terrible and inconsiderate you are to their needs. You have to realize that there is absolutely NOTHING you can do right. No matter if you are doing everything they tell you they want you to do, it will NEVER be right. They will find fault with everything. It is their way of CONTROLLING you. They will literally and figuratively beat you down to the point of feeling like you are nothing more than “pond scum”. You begin to rationalize his behavior. You will make excuses in your mind for their behavior like, “if I only did it right, he wouldn’t be so angry”, or “if I was a better person to him, he wouldn’t drink so much”. It doesn’t matter how much you realize in your mind that he is wrong and that you are being abused, the hold they have over you is stronger with every passing moment that you stay in that situation.

There is also a great amount of fear instilled in us. The fear of not being able to make it on our own, no money to survive, no place to live, no support from the outside world stops us from making the decision to leave. This brings to mind the old adage, “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t know”. Even though our lives can be turned upside down on a minute to minute basis sometimes, the fear of NOT knowing what would happen to us and our children should we leave is a far greater fear than staying with the abusive individual.

I also remember that I had to feel in my mind and my heart that I did everything I possibly could to make the marriage work, and that I tried to help him the best I could to get help for his problems. Once I felt in my heart that all had been done, there was nothing more I could do, then and only then was I able to plan our escape.

There are many agencies out there that will help abused women and children escape their situations. It will not be easy. Nothing like this ever is. The important thing to remember is that you would be taking steps to a better life. Even though there is fear there about the unknown, I found that after I made the initial step forward, many doors opened up for me to heal and grow and become successful WITHOUT him in our lives. With each step I took to become free and independent of him, my self confidence grew, my peace of mind grew and my eyes opened. The learning and healing began immediately. My strength began to return little by little. Even though I had to depend on other folks now and again for help, I realized the biggest and best help I received was from myself, for I finally realized that I was NOT everything he told me I was, I was BETTER than that! I will never regret those steps I took to free ourselves from that prison.

I’m sorry this post was so long. I felt compelled to tell you that you are not alone in your battle. I am so very sorry that you and your children are suffering. You are welcome to pm me anytime and I will be happy to help you in any way I can. I wish you and your children well in your journey. Know that I care and you are in my prayers.

Gentle Hugs
J