And there was more...

About how when the person attempts to rationalise what is going on that one can draw their attention back to the emotions and thoughts that are arising in response to the present interaction. That that helps the person get more in touch with the feelings and stuff and that once that is happening then one can help place it in the context of the past.

This is making sense of something that my t said to me.

Initially he was quite keen to tell me that the parts are parts of me really and not seperate people.

I know that already.

In one of the later sessions I was talking about anger and he said 'is it you who is angry or is it A.?' I said 'what is the difference? i mean if she is a part of me and all then isn't it just another way of saying the same thing?'

And he said something about the origins of the experience...

And I said 'instead of saying "A. thinks xxx" I can just translate that into "part of me thinks" or "sometimes I think"...' and he said:

'so long as you are emotionally connecting with it'.

That is making more sense now.

I guess I have a fairly punative superego. My mother was fairly punative and so I learned to take that attitude towards myself. Then many years of cognitive restructuring felt like it was just more experiences of someone being punative. I learned that certain cognitions smack of irrationality and must be challenged and that certain behaviours must be condemned for being attention seeking and / or manipulative.

So now... It is hard for me to be with him in the moment partly because I guess I'm trying to stay one step ahead of him by thinking about how he is likely to interpret and by trying to preempt his interpretations and the inevitable little speeches... Only... It is more about my past experiences with my mother and past clinicians and my expectations feed into that process too.

I guess that is why he is trying to refocus me back on our present interaction.

It is hard though. I want to say that it is easier to talk about the past than it is to talk about my present interactions with him. But maybe that is because I'm not really emotionally connecting with the past. Or if I am it is in a slightly hysterical way... But... Finding it hard to connect with him in the present too... All these damn expectations of him beating me over the head...

Time, I guess. It will take some time.