Warning: Lots of whining in this post.

Ugh, I can't get anywhere with group therapy. Every time I'm there I feel less and less like participating. I barely say anything now. When I think about how I should try to work on being more open -- I end up just thinking about quitting. I've told my therapist that I was thinking about quitting (I have him for individual therapy as well as group), but he wants me to stay (of course). And I do trust him, but I kind of think this is a lost cause. I'm incapable of doing well at something I don't want to do. Even when I try to psych myself up for it it's useless. I go there and there's nothing I want to say or share with anyone. I listen to them interact, but there's nothing I want to add and I mostly find them annoying (the same discussions apparently continue for all time in group therapy). I originally wanted to feel closer to people and group therapy was recommended for that. But now I don't even think I want that. I kind of think now that I want to be more alone and just sort of take a break from people. I hate to disappoint my own therapist by quitting, but I can't see how useful it is for me to show up and not participate. (I realize the answer is to show up AND participate, but I can't seem to bring myself to do it.)

I guess I've gotten myself into a bind here. I don't even like individual therapy as much because I feel like I waste time talking about the group. To me, that's like talking about work. I could gripe about work, but it's not a real issue for me. It's more like a distraction from real issues. Make sense?

I don't know what's ailing me lately. It's too bad I can't participate. I go back tomorrow. Maybe I'll have better luck, but I kind of doubt it. Something about having an audience to every interaction makes me feel really disingenuous. When I'm interacting one-on-one I'm so different from this. So I'm either not participating or I'm feeling like a fake. Both seem kind of useless.

UGH. Okay this is a lot of whining and venting, but I had to put it out there somewhere. :-) Hope you guys can tolerate it.

Maybe things will magically get better. Perhaps if I could get out of this funk I've been in. Blah.

Sidony