Still afraid of people today. Just nervous in the big group for some reason. I skipped out again at lunch but this time my therapist caught me because she came looking for me. She called me later, mentioned inpatient again. I don't know how If I can continue to avoid it.

The negative thoughts are absolutely consuming me right now. I mean constant, rapid fire images of self harm and suicide. I can't get away. I try DBT skills like distraction and self soothe, TIP, radical acceptance, mindfulness, Teflon mind...it all works for awhile but I guess that's all I get, right? How do you stop obsessing?

I just want some peace. I want to be able to eat again. I want to wash dishes without crying over it. Play with my son without having to say I'm sick. I want a life away from hospitals.

I want to get better and I'm doing everything and anything to get there except inpatient. I have to do this without it.