I have been struggling lately to understand my gravitation and transference towards not only my T, but other male figures as well. At first I couldn't accept my transference with T. I assumed that since I had a bad relationship with my mom and a good relationship with my dad, then transference on my T didn't make sense since he's a male. Now I realize that obviously you can transfer your feelings towards a female figure onto your male T.

The issues surrounding my mother are endless. I have always been extremely close with my father. I theorize that this was the beginning of my black and white thinking-- my mother was "bad," my dad was "good." I came to idealize my dad. I still do, to this day. I cannot admit anger towards my father. I cannot admit his shortcomings. I know that these things exist, but I continue to use every defense mechanism possible so that I won't have to see my dad as "bad." At this point in my life, it is impossible for me to hold multiple feelings for my father at the same time. I am not ready to accept that anger and love can exist at the same time.

As I type this, I see how this plays out in transference with my T. I idealize my T. I am afraid to admit when I get mad at him. I don't want to "ruin" the relationship, I don't want to see him as "bad." And above all, I don't understand how I can have multiple feelings for him. I am scared because I got really mad at him last week. In 2 days, it will be time to admit this to him. I have never admitted anger to my father.

The really confusing part is this: I continue to seek out males and turn my back on females. It is easy to assume that I do this because of all the bad stuff surrounding my mother. I think that's part of it, but not all of it. How does my father fit into all of this? I have always had a thing with dating older guys-- In fact, there has only been one time when I had a boyfriend who was my age. And as far as all of my flings (there were a lot more of those than boyfriends), there were barely any that were near my age. It started out when I was 15, 16, 17--- being with guys who were 3 or 4 years older-- to when I was 19, 20-- being with men who were anywhere from 5 to 15 years older. I had an immediate distaste for any guy who was near my age.

I ended up marrying someone who is 7 years older-- and like my father in ways which are strikingly similar.

I reject female doctors, teachers, etc. When I find out that a professor for the upcoming semester is female, I immediately "hate her."

I understand that this does have a lot to do with the issues surrounding my mother. BUT-- there is more, I know there is. It's not just reject the female, accept the male-- I have always gravitated towards males, not just as a natural answer to rejecting the female. Why? This is where it gets confusing. I would think in a lot of situations people do this because they didn't have a father figure-- they are seeking one out, they crave this attention from older men. But this is not the case for me. I have always had a close relationship with my father. Yes, it is true that I idealize him. I also spend a fair amount of time surrounded in the anxiety that one day I am going to lose him. He is 65 now. I even did a free association journal the other day about this. Have I been unconsciously preparing myself all of these years for the loss of my dad? Trying to seek out a male figure prematurely? This could make sense. It's like the opposite of not having a dad-- being so attached to my dad that I am seeking out a male figure years before I could lose him? Or unconsciously believing I could lose him at any time-- that's it. Maybe I have been preparing myself. I have been noted as "prematurely mourning" my father-- talking about him as if he's already dead. Talking about him as if he has a terminal illness. He does not. But I am so scared to lose him.

I wonder if the connections I made are true? Am I reaching too far? I don't know. I normally trust my unconscious-- it will let me know if the conclusions I draw are wrong-- something will just "not sit well" and I will continue to search until I hit upon something that does. And if my conclusion settles, then I know it's right. With this-- it's too new, and contains too much painful stuff for me to hold onto it for too long. It's one that I am going to explore in pieces. And it's going to be damn near impossible to talk about it with T because I am in danger of crying when I talk about it. I have never cried in front of him. I want him to think I'm strong, tough, smart. Just like my dad thinks.

These days, I carefully pick and choose what I tell my dad about my mental health stuff. He has seen me at my worst, when I lived at home with him and my mom. He is proud at how far I've come, and I do not want to disappoint him in any way. I do not want to upset him or make his stress levels higher.