I'm preaching to myself without practicing.
I finally got to the point where I want to get help. I understand I need help to feel something else other then pain.

However as of yet I haven't done so and I cannot see myself doing so in the near future. I feel like I'm a hypocrite, a broken machine, I keep repeating the same stuff but when it comes down to it I do nothing. I don't have the grit to do so.

I'm annoyed at myself that I can't reign this in and just deal with it on my own rather then writing this. Ugh now it sounds like a teenager b**ching and pitying. This was not the point. It was supposed to be an intelligent observation. Yea right, me and an intelligent observation = laughing matter.