I posted this on another thread, about mothers, but wanted to post it here to so I could tell you about the book I found.

....

I've always thought my willingness to see my difficult mother as part of my problem(s) was a stereotypical knee-jerk kind of reaction and a way to avoid the 'real' issues I have. Oh sure, blame the mother! But I'm responsible for me, right?

Yeah but it would never go away. I'm middle aged. She's deceased. It's better but still there.

Growing up she HAD to be the center of attention; everything was about her. Everything. I called her the Queen or the Queen Bee. The only opinion or mood that mattered or even existed, really, was hers. Never knew if or when the anger would explode; what set it off one day wouldn't another and she was often surprised that I'd expect it to. Everything I did reflected on her somehow. I felt like I couldn't and didn't have a thought of my own. I had to consider her first.

Currently in therapy (again) and trying to understand me, really delve and learn. It is understanding I need more than or as much as symptom relief. I am embarrassed that at my age (53) I am talking about my mother! But I think it's the way to go, the first path to understand among many.

Today I was at Borders. The last few weekends I've been trying to make myself go out. I am very uncomfortable being out, even though I go to work and the grocery store. Today I had use of a car so was going to do laundry that has piled up, even though I hand wash and sometimes wash a bathtub full. To reward myself and to have something to do when the clothes are washing and drying--a high anxiety time for me, the waiting.. people around or coming and going--I went to Borders to buy a new Pema Chodron book (she's a Buddhist nun who's writing I like) and I found 3 I wanted and couldn't decide so I was carrying them around and looking at other books. A book caught mye eye and I opened it and read the first sentence of the preface: " The first thing we must understand in life is our mother.....our mother is the first step to understanding ourselves." Wow. Then I opened it randomly and saw in bold print one of the types of mothers this book talks about: "The Queen Mother" !!

Holy Moly I think I have found gold you guys!!

The book not only applies to my mother but to me as a mother. The book is by Christine Ann Lawson and is titled "Understanding the Borderline Mother; helping her children transcend the intense, unpredictable, and volatile relationship".

I can't wait to get into it though I know it will be hard. It is already. Don't much like seeing myself, but one of the reasons for the author writing the book is because BPD is passed on and often from mother to daughter.

I feel validated by this book. I'm so thankful.

Pema Chodron will have to wait for now.