I was married for almost 10 years. We were married very young and I think I was in love with the idea of love and marriage more than in love with him. We started having children and we became more disconnected. I found myself making excuses to not go to bed until he was asleep. He was embarrassing to bring around my friends. He had a temper. He drank. To me it was too much but he was functional. He was the type of person who was always right so it's no wonder the divorce was so ugly.

Towards the end I was done. I tried talking to him about it and got no where. I asked to go to counseling which he said no. To this day he insists that I never have him a second chance. I started pulling away more. I met new people. I was ready to divorce but with small children and bills I couldn't afford alone and the fact that I knew he wouldn't leave if I asked, I stayed longer. I ended up meeting a man who made me feel good. He complimented me and I liked it. He was excited to go out and do things and not sit around watching sports and ignoring everyone. We became friends. It started with friendly Facebook comments. We had mutual friends and kids that all played together so we exchanged numbers for get togethers in groups. We started to have feelings. We didn't act on them or discuss them at first but it was obvious. That only made my marriage more unbearable. To see that the grass could be greener. That it wasn't my fault and I didn't need help because I didn't want to have sex with my husband for months prior. We just didn't work anymore and it was time to go.

One day we got into an argument. It escalated quickly and he pushed me down in front of the kids and I hit my head. He has a bad temper but I've never let him touch me before. It wasn't a punch and I wasn't visibly harmed. I struggle with categorizing it as abuse and wonder if things went to far to this day. I got up and screamed at him to leave. He laughed and said no as I knew he would so I grabbed the kids and left. A bit later I called and again asked him to leave or at least leave long enough for me to go pick up clothes. He refused. I called the police to escort me over to get my stuff. They spoke with him and he confirmed putting his hands on me and they arrested him. I have guilt over this not knowing if he deserved that or not but it happened and I've went too far and this was my chance to leave. There would never be a second time to get worse.

Throughout the next few months there were restraining orders and more arrests for again attacking me when I tried to call the police because he wouldn't leave my (our) house. He pushed my daughter and grabbed my son by the neck leaving marks that the school called cps about. He has slashed my tires, put sugar in my gas tank, thrown rocks through my bedroom window and cut power and water to my home. He actually called the police when I started dating someone and reported him molesting my daughter. That relationship obviously didn't last. All of these vandalisms could not be proven so he remains cocky and Scott free. After two years of custody battles I received primary. He fought only to refrain from child support. He had them to his place for sleep overs 1-3 times per month. Even when it's his scheduled visitation time he has excuses why he can't have them. His main goal is to insure I don't have the opportunity to a night out as long as I have the kids, I have to stay home. He still plans to take me back to court and is blackmailing me saying that he will stop all of these things if I sign over joint custody and no child support. When I refuse he simply says "ok, game on". He has them 10% maximum and I'll never believe he will leave me alone.

Right now I'm mentally exhausted. He's ruining my entire life and there's nothing I can do. If I give him what he wants he still will never stop. If I don't he will continue to torture me. I've tried filing harassment complaints and it's he said she said. He's mentally unstable and I know one day he will break and try to kill me. I know it. I stay single and hide and friends I do have for fear he will retaliate against them as well. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm depressed and anxious waiting for his next move. I feel like I should have just stayed married sometimes. I just want out and there's no reasoning with him.