Hey guys, I hope your having a good day. I am giving you a brief inside of what was happening to me yesterday.

I was weird all day, from tears to huge anxiety at work which didn't stop until I came home (even the benzo's didn't do the trick).

I have my pdoc appointment tomorrow so I wanted to know from my mom (cus nobody knows her child better than your mom) what she's noticing now that I take bigger dose of Lamictal.

She sees me as ok, but without any of those "moments when I'm just myself", like I'm stuck in some kind of apathy, melancholie, which I noticed as well. I told her everything, the good and bad sides of medication while lifting the dose up.

GOOD: (maybe) less mood swings, even forgot to take pills (which means I'm not thinking abt my illness so much)

BAD: loss of feelings, motivation, joy in life; even more scared of changes (don't wanna go or try anything cus I'm afraid it'll trigger anxiety), practicly NONE of those short moments when "I feel myself; also my period was a bit late this month.

CONCLUSION? Don't really know. I guess I felt better when I was on 100mg, at least I had those short moments of feeling myself as I should all along. So what about adding new med's?

Well my mom was shocked why more and more meds? She said, didn't you say Lamictal (on a terapeuthic dose, which was in my case 100mg) takes a long time till it starts working? True, I only took terapeuthic 100mg for 4 weeks and I already saw an improvement (remember me saying about that afternoon and evening and even the next morning when feeling totally me?).

So what to do? My mom's advice is I can do two things. Lower the dose on 100mg again and wait for a bit longer, if I started to see positive results in 4 weeks, maybe another 4 weeks would make even more difference (without adding Abilify to it).

Second option is simply lowering the dose on 100mg and add Abilify (but to make sure to ask my pdoc WHAT is this for, what good would it do to me and if I'll have any side effects).

She is right and I will point all that out to my pdoc tomorrow. Maybe you all think, ah, she can't think for herself. But the thing is nobody sees you as the people you love (though right now I don't love anyone or anything). In my case that's my mom.

She knows me and sees every change there is. We are very connected and I feel I can really trust her opinion. It's really important to face these facts to our pdoc's. We are trapped in this magic circle of our problems and can't see either we're really getting better or not. Family helps you with that.

All though I'm afraid and I stressed that out yesterday to my BF and my mom, they both said, why? Why are you always so messed up before going to your pdoc for check up? Seriously, don't know. Maybe cus I want to start living already. If that's being impatient well then that's what I am. Everyone would get impatient if they can't live my life for 2 years...and I feel like life is passing by and I'm standing still. People are LIVING and I am like a vegetable.

I know everyone reading this, know where I'm coming from. Big hug for that

Well so this is my briefing on my yesterday's day. I think I'll talk some more with my mom today, cus there are things she still doesn't know and she should, need an objective opinion. Only that can help the doctors decide better.

HUGS to everyone reading this and sharing your thoughts.