I was just reading a book about the making and breaking of bonds and it talked about how young children develope this type of mourning, and how it can get split off. So it still goes on in the background but away from consious awareness.

You know today I was happy, really content then out of the blue this deep saddness started to hit me. I was annoyed because I feel like I am never going to be free of this "illness" But having read about this type of mourning it makes sense to me.

Helps me understand that this alien saddness that just comes over me at times is infact just THAT MOURNING!

I sit and wonder what in the hell I have to feel so down about, but if this unresolved mournign for the loss of my "birth" mother is still working in the background then it makes sense that I am going to be hit by these moments of alien saddness.

I am going to try and own it the next time it hits. Its scary to think this stuff is so deep but so real! I think I maybe slighty afraid that it will eventually be known to me and I wont be able to contain the pain!

I dont think I have been "mad" I've just been in mourning for all my life!

that undeveloped part of me that was split off is still in despair and wanting and yearning. "Mum come back where are you?" LOL oh if only LOL