I've dealt with depressive episodes over half my life (I'm 37), both with and without medication. Now that I have two young children to care for (ages 5 and 2) I have more pressure to keep functioning well at some level. Recently I began to "lose it"- I was crying, getting angry, threw things, could hardly keep things going at home. I spoke with my doc and agreed to up the dose of the SSRI I take. It has been four weeks now on the increased dose. I feel I am functioning better, at least part of the day. But my mood is still sad, and I am still very pessimistic. I am avoiding most people because I can hardly hold a conversation without being negative. Worst for me is I still have thoughts of self harm and suicide, which are random and unpredictable, and dream almost every night about these topics. This makes me feel very guilty because I don't talk to my husband about these things. He only sees the half functioning me in the evening. Luckily my children are in nursery school everyday so I have a break in the mornings. Does anyone else understand about this half-functioning and how it feels when the people around you think your "fine" because you're not crying all the time?