So... this is awkward for me to post, so bare with me.

I have a lot of issues that come into play while in a relationship. The biggest of which is that I freak out when it comes to oral sex or hand jobs - as in, I've always panicked and refused to give a blow up, won't let any of my partners go near me, and have now successfully given a hand job to my current bf twice... but each time I had to struggle not to cry or panic.

What the hell is wrong with me???

I panic. It's too much attention on what I'm doing, or on my body. I also can't orgasm during sex.

I really want to be able to do those things, because I don't think there's anything wrong with them... but when it comes down to it, I panic and want to cry and feel totally ashamed... and then embarrassed, and more shame, and guilt.

Not really sure what the point of this is.... I just think I needed to verbalize it. I want to verbalize it to my boyfriend, as I'm pretty sure he'd be really understanding (I think I mentioned a bit of it once, the first time)... but I also panic at the thought of it and have tried to, but panic and don't say a thing.