Hey Pinksoil,

You and I are awfully similar (as I've said before). I totally idealize my therapist and haven't yet managed to be mad at him. I also seek out men in life and avoid women. My mother wasn't evil at all, but she was overbearing and didn't listen to me. If she disagreed with something I said, she always assumed that I'd just been "led astray" by people -- that I'm weak-willed or something and would never have thought whatever it was that she disagreed with on my own. My father was kind and calm, but we were not close. He loved me, but he is not a very emotionally available person. Best example I can come up with: If he's away on a trip and he sends me a letter -- it's always just a report on what's going on -- like where they went for supper, what time they met someone, etc. It's like reading a day-planner. He's never expressed emotions at all other than through buying me things, paying for my college, etc. That's how he expresses love. I've seen him lose his temper maybe 2 or 3 times in my life, and then he just yelled for a few minutes. I've never seen him cry. He always seemed to be a bit absent-minded -- you know, preoccupied with other things. He's older now and experiencing cognitive decline (has trouble remembering words or keeping the thread of a conversation). But anyway, we weren't close. I think maybe men have always been a mystery to me and maybe that's why I try to get closer to them. Like I already figured out that I can't be close to women because I see them as overbearing (do you know that the thought of talking to a woman therapist is actually revolting to me?). Maybe I try to create what I think the father-daughter relationship should have been, I don't know.

Your ideas sound really well thought out -- it doesn't seem like such a reach to me, the idea of creating a premature replacement, etc. Yeah it does sound like it will be really hard to talk to your therapist about this stuff. If you manage it I think it'll make for some really intense sessions.

I've never cried in therapy either. I told my therapist that I waited until I could cope with my breakup (what originally drove me to therapy) before showing up because I couldn't stand the thought of just coming into his office and bawling. I was always struck by his reaction to that -- that he would have admired my being so emotionally open if I had done that. That seems so weird to me. But maybe that's the way your therapist would see it too. As a breed they seem to have a different take on emotions....

Sidony