I'm so glad you lived. I believe you still have a purpose here on earth. I don't pretend to know this purpose but I believe we have to live until we full fill it.
I'm sorry you are in such pain. I think you described depression very well. I've been in that black hole, too. I hope they can find something to help you get better.
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Bipolar I, Depression, GAD Meds: Zoloft, Zyprexa, Ritalin
"Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most." -Buddha