Hey all,

New to the forum, hi. I am tired of self poisoning my marriage by thoughts of her cheating on me again.

The back story. My first marriage ended by me finding about that my wife has been sleeping around, and I don't mean one guy. That was back in 2003 when we separated and divorced.

Later in December 2003, a woman who I met on line with who I was actually thinking about leaving my first wife for, caught me on Yahoo Messenger back then. We talked, she had gotten married because I couldn't/wouldn't leave my 1st wife because of my girls (3 of them). Our online whatever it was, ended in March 2000 right after my youngest daughter was born. So now 3 years later from that time, I'm now divorced and the guy that my current wife married turned out to be an abusive ***_ _ _ _. So I was heading to the state she was living in, as thats where my parents lived. I left home because I joined the Air Force, not that that may help, or not. So I met her, for the first time, we talked and talked and talked for like 12 hrs. Her husband, blowing up her phone, text and voice mails. So she decides she is NOT going home and asked if I would stay with her in a hotel room. Now, typing this out, it sounds like a... say what! Part, but he truly was abusive, put her in the hospital 3-4x involving tossing her into and through a fish tank, etc. So I agreed. We talked more, then he showed up, she told me she was stupid because she had used the hotel before to get away from him other times, and used her CC and the desk probably told him. So he finally leaves. We wake up, (nothing at all done) and I head back to my parents place and she goes to face the music. I honestly don't know if I would ever see her again. Not do to his actions, could be, but just not sure. We definitely hit it off.

So this is over christmas 2003, on New years day, or the day after I am back to my duty station and she messages me that she is leaving him and can she send boxes to my place until she figures out what she wants to do. She does, she comes done on the 15th of Jan, and as the story goes, we haven't been apart since. We fell in love, rekindled our online flirting in person and all was good.

Oh, we got married in 2004 after she came down in Jan, she filed and was divorced in April and we were married in July 2004.

Enter in, we get orders to England for a three year tour. All is fun, and games, we are a playful couple and have been since about the beginning. Then in 2010 she tells me she has had sex with a British guy, one time, she was drunk, and he more or less took advantage of her. There is more, she really, REALLY started to like this guy. So much to the fact that we were looking mid-tour to move to a different house and she was looking right near the farm he worked as a ranch hand I guess you would say. I have caught them kissing passionately at parties we were at. I would be out talking with others, walk in and there she is on the couch locked in a passionate kiss. Then I have a deployment coming up, she has since quit having sex with me, said it hurts her to have sex and this was a couple months before the 4 month deployment. We talk about him and would he come over, she said of course, he is my friend, why can't I have a friend over for lunch. So now I am really stressing. It would have been easy, 6 months without having sex with her, and this odd thing is coming on. Luckily I do not get selected for deployment and then in March, near by birthday, she has this drunken affair. This isn't the only one. At least one other guy who worked FOR me, came up to our place for an after party. Im in one room, and she pulls him into our living room to give him oral sex. I again, find out, she told me, at the same time she told me of the indiscretion months after the incident.

Fast forward to now, its been 3 years since then, I have retired and we moved to be near her Dad who had cancer who passed away June 2013. She said she has been faithful and never had another affair or hook up. She is self employed and she travels to conferences and events that her clients put on. So she goes to them 2-3-4 times a year.

Can you see where I am getting to, I am worried that something is happening there, and how easy it is for her to lie to me about it. It would be nothing for her to do this and me not know. She has multiple ways to communicate some require special access which I do not have, other than using her log-in. So I feel this poison that I am bringing up, and keep injecting into our relationship, when she may be, fully 100% open and honest.

There has been other issues.. a guy she works with, has messaged her (we helped him for a cancer charity thing) and I see a message from him, saying when are you guys coming to X town, or at least you

The other time was she has had back issues, and she was seeing a chiropractor (Female) and getting massages (male) both in the same clinic. So we have two vehicles, a car and a truck. Her preference is the car, which I had that day and so I stopped by the chiropractor to swap vehicles and she was already in her massage. So I had the desk lady knock and open the door, to get the keys from her purse. So she knocks, the desk lady said your husband is here to swap vehicles and needs the keys, My wife says "ah oh" and I look in and see her underthings just kinda scattered across her purse and the chair. She ALWAYS ALWAYS hides her bra and underwear and buries them under her clothes, they were draped across her purse. Now I didn't really think of anything until a few days later. Instead of approaching her about it. I sulked and moaned and brought a lot of negativity to our house. Finally about a week ago or so I address it and she said it was NOTHING. NOTHING happened, she doesn't even remember saying "uh oh" and her clothes WERE tucked in behind her purse or in her purse, she doesn't remember, the front desk lady must have moved them when digging in her purse.

NOW.. here I am.. this past weekend, she got the offer to stay with her 7 figure client, her husband and kids and the top of the top that pay 5 figures to be part of this group. So WOW.. amazing opportunity for her. BUT the caveat was that I can't be there, nor will the other ladies boyfriend, she just wanted her staff with her. So that left me out. We had made loose plans on going up there, and getting a hotel, then going on to some sort of other mini-vaca. That has now changed, oh and that place she is going isn't TOO far from that other guy's Town X a few hours drive I would imagine. So I start adding this all up in my head and we have had a HUGE blow up and now he isn't talking to me.

So its going on 24 hrs, we have had one small talk, and she said she has been nothing but faithful and tells me the truth etc.

So I have all these other things in my head, the "or just you " from that guy and the uh-oh, from inside the massage room (oh on Thursdays which she was going alone to, he is the ONLY one in the clinic and they keep the door locked to the building and lets one client out, and the other one in. Tell me how this doesn't mess with my head?

Ok.. long winded.. need advice. I am already signed up for marriage/personal counseling to get rid of all the bad juju that my brain feeds itself. I honestly want to believe her and not to have another thought that she isn't doing anything, but the brain is a powerful thing. I lay awake at night getting so upset... seeing things, in my head etc.

I need some advice on how to forgive and move on, even after wife 1 cheated on me, multiple times, and she has at least once that I know of.

Desparate, I love her and I can't live with out her, she is fed up and ready to throw in the towel, as she hates being under a microscope. She has offered for me to go through e-mails or or phone. I just know she is better than to leave something in her phone, so thats just a empty offer. Ugh.

Help!