I just need support. I need someone to vent to. I need someone to let me know I am, in fact, human and that someone out there does care.

I used to think things couldn't get any worse. I will never again say something so stupid. They can. They can get much worse. I remember sitting in front of my pill dispenser in February. When I heard him ask me if I knew what cyclothymia is (I do), I knew at that moment that I didn't want to bother with him anymore. So stuck on the labels, so stuck on throwing pills at me, he never took the time to actually listen. In Psych 150 and abnormal psych, I remember sitting through a lecture that tackled this very situation. Doctors that treated their patients like less than human, resulting in their patients giving up before recovery could be achieved. We, as humans, like being treated like humans. I felt like my pill dispenser saw me as everything but. Bipolar. Cyclothymic. Mood disorder NOS. Social anxiety. Avoidant personality. Make up your stinking mind. What am I? I can't answer that question, because I don't know. I don't even know who I am anymore.

There is a point to my ramblings. My desire to find help has not ended, it has only been stunted. Because I didn't like my NP, and my therapist retired, and they still have not set me up with a new one. I've been waiting since April. I hate medication, it made me feel like a zombie. I want to live. I already feel like a zombie,I don't need to feel more like one. But I feel stuck. I feel stuck. I remember telling my mom about the suggestion of cyclothymia, we had a good laugh, but inside it hurt. Because I knew the fact that he would even suggest such a thing proves that I fail at adequately expressing myself. It proves that I cannot explain what is going on in my head.

Depression is getting unbearable. I feel worn down constantly. Today, I went for three walks - all 50 minutes a piece - just to have something to do. I ended up curling up on my floor crying because I realized that this is my life. I laid on my floor for two hours. I have, as of late, found myself doing things like this a lot. Sometimes, I'll lie in the same spot, not a thought on my mind, lose track of time, and not even move - not even a twitch - before I realize how much time has past. I spend my days waiting for someone to visit. I'm always disappointed. I feel as though I have nothing to look forward to anymore. I feel an intense amount of guilt - I blame myself for the eating disorder, I blame myself for the depression, I blame myself for my isolation, I blame myself for my social anxiety. I used to wonder what the 'guilt' symptom feels like. I know now. I feel as though I have committed a heinous crime. I feel like I deserve everything that is happening. And the worse it gets, the less incentive I have to try to get help again.

My anxiety has gotten terrible. I avoid crowds at all costs. If a place is too crowded, I rush home. I avoid calling anyone. I avoid everything. It feels like home is the only 'safe' place I have anymore, and yet being stuck here just further sends me into depression. And to top everything off, everything seems to be going bad at once. I might not even have a home in a month or two. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm doing at all. I remember seeing those Cymbalta commercials that said depression hurts, and I'd want to cry. Because back then, it did hurt. And I could relate to the woman who didn't want to walk her dog. Now, I think about them, and I don't know what to feel. It hurts sometimes. And then other times, it's... nothing.

My mom was diagnosed with major depressive disorder many years ago. She is currently in the midst of an episode. The other day, she admitted that she never knows what to say to me or how to treat me because she believes my depression is more severe than hers. That left me confused. She seems to have just as much 'hope' in my future as everyone else. Saying maybe I should reconsider professions, or saying maybe I should marry into the military (a common thing to do in my small town), or suggesting I try for social security. I don't know. Maybe everyone is right.

I just needed to... ramble. And I just need to know there are other humans in the world.

I do have one question, if anyone knows, how the heck does one deal with the intense guilt?