I don't know where to start. I feel out of control. I don't believe that I have any control over my life, and I feel that only bad things will happen to me. I desperately want to be hard working and successful, but I feel like those goals are impossible to reach. I hate being lazy, but I can't see myself figuring out how to be more hardworking.

I am fat. I've gained 40 lbs on zyprexa, and I hate looking at myself in the mirror. If I diet, I lose weight, but I run out of willpower rather quickly, and then I gain all the weight back and then some.

I had been doing well on zyprexa, or so I thought. Now I just feel...I don't know. Hopeless. Ready to give up. I'm sui and I'm not even depressed (or manic). Why? Why would I think about killing myself when I'm not even in a mood swing? How messed up am I?

I try and I try and I try to get more control over my laziness, and I just fail, every time.

I want to be successful and loved and in-demand. I want to be so amazing and perfect that I'll never have to wonder if my life is worth living. I know perfection is impossible, but that doesn't stop me from wanting it.

I feel like life is just one sick joke that God plays on humanity. There is so much pain. People have to endure all types of traumas. There is some beauty in life, but I have a hard time believing that it outweighs all the bad crap. Life sucks for everyone; some people are just better at recognizing how sucky their lives are.

I just need to vent. All encouraging words are welcome. I won't do anything drastic tonight; I promise. Thanks for listening.