Thank you both for your replies. My meds had seemed to help in the beginning, but after they upped the doses... gosh, four? times, it was a slow process of ceasing to do anything other than keep me tired all the time. I wanted so badly to keep trying to find one that might work, but a combination of feeling like my NP wasn't listening and struggling to find affordable insurance has left me clueless. It does help, if only a bit, knowing that I, too, might one day find treatment that works.

I've been trying to figure out a way to find a new one. I wish I could say I've been trying my hardest, but some days I don't have the energy to do anything. My mom's been pushing me to try, and I've been asking her for help as lately, I often have trouble knowing left from right. Let alone finding the resources to get help.

The guilt hurts. It's kind of like that, but directed at things that I logically know were probably out of my control. I try to remind myself that eating disorders happen.. that there's a predisposition, that no one chooses to have one, that it was out of my control... but that's one of many things that I just feel so guilty over. My mind plays these mental gymnastics. I think things like If I had gotten help before it got that bad, I wouldn't be this depressed now, and so this must all be my fault. This reasoning seeps into everything. No friends? I reason that it's because I isolated when the eating disorder was at its height, and that I deserve to have none. I could get a head cold and reason that it's my fault. I remember how I used to read about this guilt in my psychology books. None of them prepared me for what it really feels like.

Then again, none of them really prepared me for what depression and an eating disorder feel like at all.

It helps hearing that recovery is possible, even though I have trouble imagining myself there. I hope I will be one day..