Hello all.

I just learned tonight that my former abuser died yesterday. He has been out of my life for at least 18 years. I have since dealt with many after effects of what I experienced over the years. Worthy of note is that there was never a final exit so to speak. He and my mother divorced after I was already out of the house, and thus I never really had a final word with him over what happened to me.

While I still deal with chronic anxiety (fairly controlled with meds atm), and occasionally PTSD, I am in a much better place than I was years ago. However while I of course I knew he would die eventually, I guess I never considered how I would feel about it. Only thing I know for sure is that I don't feel sad. But I confused over what else I really am feeling. I waver between feeling a loss of a chance for closure, or the chance to tell him how he affected my life, and wondering why I'm not angry, to feeling like for my OWN sake, I should forgive and leave the wondering about his fate in God's hands. And then there's a blankness... When I feel nothing.

So as title says, not sure how to process this news. Can anyone with a similar life experience share how they did such? Thanks...

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