Dear Perna,

thank you for your insightful post. I actually didn't consider that some may not be able to turn off their feelings and sensations, as I have done it for so long.
I really like your idea of morphing the movie into a more healthier experience, I think that's a great option for those wanting to try a less disruptive route. I don't think that fantasy is a bad thing - as such - I just don't want it myself, I don't think fantasy is healthy for me at all. I believe my growth is in being in my body - I spend enough time in my head, and I know I am missing bodily experiences that would help me feel connected and grounded.

I also appreciate your alternative view of refusing/accepting orgasm. That's very interesting for me, as orgasm was never really a reward tbh, it was an expectation (from my abuser), and as an adult, it has always been something I have given to (or not given to) a partner, rather than something that is pleasurable for me, because it simply wasn't that pleasurable afterwards when I'm crawling out my skin with shame, on the verge of tears, and frankly, feeling raped due to what I just participated in in my head.

See, I think I have to remove orgasm in its current capacity (which is so distressing I do not perceive it as "punishment") in order to bring it back and experience it as both mine and rewarding.

And as the next post in my journal will illustrate, this journey has not been as arduous or long as I thought it would be.