My Support Forums - View Single Post - Being manipulative and mean without really realizing it...

Wysteria · Jul 02, 2014, 11:36 AM

Dear ILW,

I think one of the most important things to remember with BPD is that we are exquisitely aware and sensitive and often in pain. People in pain lash our and consciously and unconsciously lash out to get relief.

But that doesn't absolve us from the pain we cause others, NOR does it mean that we are monsters or bad. We just feel more and it is often painful.

So, we have a choice. Do we ask for what we need and take into consideration the needs/wants/feelings/pain of others, or do we try to force or control others into doing what WE want.

If being manipulative and hurting others and trying to force others is not working for you, perhaps it is time to sit down and learn some other ways to get our needs met.

That is what DBT and other therapies help us to do. To put our own needs on hold long enough to make better choice. To tolerate the pain for a bit, look at our choices, look at the way we are thinking, and choose a different path.

If you really want to spend time with your parents and have a better relationship, and threats and cajoling have not worked, what will? Try to make a list of things you have NOT tried and a list of things that you did that your parents did appreciate and respond to. Ask for help from the staff there or therapists with how other people make healthy connections and tolerate the pain of possible rejection.

If everything that you have been doing is not working and is taking you further away from your goal of connection and meaningful relationships, what are some things you have NOT tried. What are some ways to get your feelings out (journaling, throwing ice at a brick wall, crying, talking to a therapist, drawing, deep breathing and relaxation techniques, etc) while also seeing people for who they are and what they need and sure knowledge that their needs are every bit as great as your own....and think of new ways to approach the situation.

Just wanted to put it out there for you to think about. Since you are in the institution with all of those professionals around to help you, why not try reaching out and asking them for ideas to help you get what you really want?

Gentle hugs and best wishes,

Wysteria Blue