I was the only child of the three that got to courage up to know my father better. One day I just climbed onto his lap and chatted and cuddled him. I remember how my sister and brother would never do that, even thought I was nuts really. The thing is, it worked, and I grew to understand him so much better, I realized he had needs, loved to be loved, but didn't know how to show it to others. When Robin Williams talked about "the little imperfect things and peccadillo's about people that only is seen by really being in their space? I saw that about people, and I began to make cards for them showing these little things about them that "were" them. However, it was always meant in loving ways, yet also "comical" too. It was really about reaching into that child part of them, something they would find touching and yet be able to laugh at too.

When I got older, I kept on making time to get to know my father. I realized he really didn't have anyone to do that with either. We used to go out in his boat and he loved to revisit all these places he grew up with when he was young that revolved around an island. I slowly learned all about my grandfather, a man I had never met because he had died fairly young from a heart attack in my father's arms. My grandfather was a very talented man, good at many things too and was in both world wars. My grandfather loved being a pilot, but did not like the water. My father was the opposite, he just loved the water and boats. My father talked about how my grandfather was a really nice man, but a mean drunk. Well, I think he was abusive when he was drunk and that is why my father's mother left, just went away without saying goodbye to her two children too.

I was out with him one night and this was long after my brother got through school and even college and was out on his own and doing really well actually. He would always call here and there to tell my father how "well" he was doing, making so much more money than my father too.

When I had that time to talk, there was more known about challenged children and how they needed more help. My father had a couple of beers and he finally was able to talk about his regrets when it came to my brother. He talked about the things he should have done for my brother but didn't too. And I saw him begin to weep. I am so glad that happened because it gave me a chance to help him understand what he needed to do "now".

I told him that he cannot change all the bad, but, my brother would be coming back and checking in with him for the rest of his life. I told him that my brother would need to keep telling him about his achievements, and my father would need to keep rewarding him with praise. I told him that my brother would also come at him with anger and resentments too, and that my father would have to make sure "not" to defend himself with excuses, but to instead, listen and validate whatever pain my brother needed to express, even if it came out in anger and was "mean".

I told him, that he was not a "father" when my brother was young, but he can be a father in the now, and to understand what my brother is going to keep needing from him and how, even if there is anger and resentments, do not fight back, but give. If you feel bad about not going to his football games or other times when you should have been there for him, tell him you were wrong and you are sorry, and expect him to express anger and resentments and do "not" fight back but agree and just keep saying you are sorry.

I was right, and to this day, my older brother still checks in and often needs to express his anger. My father is approaching 90, and he probably doesn't do as well with validating, but at least my brother came to visit him and got to see for himself, that while the voice on the phone sounds the same, the man is now very old and often fragile and forgetful. This time my brother was much kinder and maybe he is more at peace, I hope so.

I am so glad I got to have that moment with my father and "listen" and have a chance to help him understand the father he needed to be now and for as long as he lived.

"Listening" is so important, so many need to understand how to "listen". Yes, we live in a world of labels, everyone has some kind of label, everyone has faults too, but often they don't mean to.

OE