Recently, I literally have screamed because of isolation. I had went to my sister's, hoping it would give me a break from it. I stayed for a week before giving up and coming home, because every single day she left me there alone. To meet with one of her boyfriends, or our brother, or whatever. She'd leave before I'd wake up. And it got so frustrating, so lonely, that I literally screamed. I felt like I was going completely mad.

I actually feel like that a lot lately. I think recovery from the eating disorder is taking its toll on me. I wanted to think it was getting better. The pain is easier to deal with, I no longer feel like an Alzheimer's patient with my memory (it was bad. I have a lot of empathy now for people who go through memory loss and can't look forward to getting it back - I dealt with it for four months, and it was terrifying.. I can't imagine 4 years), and my digestive problems are slowly getting better. But I'm not sure. Its taking its toll on me mentally now. I often feel like I'm dealing with every emotion what I did had stunted at once - and I simply can't take it.

I've been thinking, a lot, about ways I can get 'out there'. Without funds, though, I'm not sure. Because I live in a small town so there isn't much in the way of volunteer work. This autism awareness group will be doing some kind of bake sell in September, but that's months away. The biggest problem there is lack of transportation and the anxiety. The anxiety makes it all a vicious cycle. I think if I can get help there, it might make it possible for me to find something. I have considered volunteering with animals, though. My social anxiety pretty much disappears if I have an animal nearby.

I think I repressed it for a while. It just keeps mounting and mounting now, and I just can't figure out how to face it.