Catastrophic is correct. Good advice was given. Please listen.

You were and still are a victim of domestic abuse. Your ex-husband's abuse has warped your thinking and left you feeling powerless.

You can get help 24/7 by calling the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. Confidentiality is respected.

You can also find information on their website that can help you understand how abusers work to make their victims feel hopeless and powerless. And, more importantly, information on how you can get free.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | Get Help Today

Please read the article on Gaslighting. It doesn't apply exactly because you're separated from your ex, but he definitely is doing his best to keep you questioning your own perceptions and your own emotional stability, starting with the idea that you weren't really abused when he pushed you in front of the kids. The fact that you did not fracture your skull when you fell and hit your head is beside the point. He was violent. You did not over-react.

He has probably been gaslighting you for years. (The term gaslighting is taken from the movie Gaslight where the villain purposely did things to make the heroine think she was losing her mind.) Your ex has abused you and your children and you've come away feeling as if you're the guilty party. Your ex is using powerful forms of emotional abuse that cause you to question your own feelings. Get help. Soon. Please.